April Fool

Alan Shearer, Newcastle manager - it was only a question of when, and now we have the answer; at the worst possible moment.

The Geordie Messiah MK II has no coaching experience whatsoever and has only ever voiced his tactical blueprint from the comfort of a well-lit studio. Now he has eight games to keep Newcastle in the Premier League.

Owner Mike Ashley has made life even harder by waiting until three days before the end of a two-week break to make the switch, giving Shearer just enough time to introduce himself to his players before picking the team to play Chelsea on Saturday.

At least he won't have to waste time moving a bulky collection of medals into his new office.

While the change has been described as 'panic', ED wonders why it was not made earlier.

Chris Hughton may or may not be an excellent coach, but it has long been clear that his tenure as caretaker was going nowhere - the team have not won since February's game at West Brom, before which Joe Kinnear was taken ill.

ED is no medical expert, but it has long seemed clear that Kinnear would not return to the hot seat. Major heart surgery does not sound like the kind of thing you just bounce back from.

In another masterpiece of timing, the news became public just before midnight on March 31, giving everyone the opportunity to write it off as a joke.

Sensational it might be, but when people's first reaction on hearing the news is to enquire whether this is an April Fool, you cannot really consider that a good sign.

Considering Ashley's maverick style and the tribulations he has put the Newcastle faithful through, ED wouldn't entirely write off the prank idea just yet.

At the time of writing, there was still no official word from the club, leaving open the possibility that this is one of the biggest hoaxes since the Hitler Diaries, the moon landing or even the legendary 'made-up' drug, cake.

ED hopes Newcastle go the whole hog and pack 25,000 Geordies into St James' Park for Shearer's presentation, only for some insufferable Sky Sports News presenter to inform them that they have been had.

At that precise moment, a sky-writer plane will soar over the ground spelling out 'YOU MUGS' while the fans spontaneously throw their replica shirts at the presenter in disgust, causing him to choke to death on a combination of sweat, tattoo ink and body hair.

- - -

While the Shearer news could yet turn out to be a colossal pack of lies, here is something that is definitely true. We all know Fabio Capello does not like Peter Crouch, but now it becomes apparent how much.

Whether or not the England boss has really called up a middle-aged man to play against Ukraine, Capello was far from shy in making it very clear how reluctant he is to pick the gangly, robotic striker.

"My first idea was to have a forward who is fast and has movement," he said.

"Now it's another style with Crouch. He is not (Darren) Bent, he is not (Emile) Heskey, but we have to play with Crouch because he's now the best we have who can play."

So Crouch is England's fifth-choice striker behind Wayne Rooney, Heskey, Cole and Bent.

Although he is still ahead Gabriel Agbonlahor (one goal in 17 games), Michael Owen (about to be broken up and his parts sold for scrap) and Kevin Davies (just plain not very good), so that's some reason to be cheerful.

England's visitors have been almost completely ignored, with what little attention they have garnered going the way of Andriy Shevchenko who is apparently dangerous again now he has left Chelsea.

The question is - dangerous to whom? Certainly not opposition goalkeepers if this season's statistics are anything to go by.

Back at his spiritual home in Milan, Shevchenko has scored... oh, that's right, he hasn't scored a single league goal, and 11 of his 13 appearances have been from the bench.

No, the man in form is porn-haired Emmanuel Petit lookalike Andriy Voronin, who is so hot that any bodily contact with him would result in third-degree burns, the former Liverpool man having rattled in eight goals in his last seven games for Hertha Berlin.

Source: Eurosport