Who's the Daddy?

The world got that little bit more terrifying at the weekend as news broke that Wayne Rooney is going to be a dad.

Wife Coleen is already three months pregnant even though the pair apparently only started trying for a baby at Christmas.

That means Wayne must have hit the back of the net, if you will, within a week. Impressive stuff for a man sometimes accused of shooting blanks on the pitch.

Several papers attempt to draw a parallel between Coleen's expectant state and Wayne's increased maturity on the pitch against Slovakia on Saturday.

It is, obviously, a ridiculous argument. Rooney is described as mature because he managed to get through a meaningless international friendly without kicking anyone or questioning the referee's parentage.

And was Coleen any less pregnant when he went loco on the corner flag at Fulham a week ago?

As anyone familiar with the work of Shannon Matthews or that Max Clifford-backed 13-year-old 'dad' knows, having babies can be a lucrative business.

One agent, who had the gall to warn against excessive commercialisation, has claimed the Rooneys' tot could land them £5 million if they sign up for publicity deals.

These, presumably, will involve the following:

- An ITV2 show in which a team of cameras follow Coleen's every move. Laugh as Wayne lashes out at a cameraman! Cry as Coleen struggles to carry home all those Louis Vuitton bags! Scream as she spends the morning with her head in the toilet!

- Sponsorship deals based on Coleen's cravings. Imagine the marketing opportunities - 'Try peanut butter and asparagus bagels - as devoured by Coleen Rooney!'

- Advertising space on Coleen's expanded belly. What better way to place your product than for the nation to see it smothered in clear jelly as doctors conduct an ultrasound scan?

- OK! magazine purchases legal custody of Coleen's womb.

- Convoluted goal celebrations in which Wayne uses various products for babies. First he recreates the Carlos Tevez 'dummy' celebration, then he pulls on a pair of Pampers, then he places Paul Scholes in a baby booster car seat... you get the idea.

- - -

Rooney's two goals against Slovakia could not have been timed better, as all three of his strike partners went off injured.

Emile Heskey and Carlton Cole are out of Wednesday's game against Ukraine, while Peter Crouch is doubtful. Jermain Defoe and Gabriel Agbonlahor are also injured.

That resulted in the delightful spectacle of Fabio Capello ignoring Michael Owen and calling up Darren Bent instead.

The Owen PR machine continues to insist that he is still world-class and, hilariously, "not injury-prone" but Capello's snub could hardly have been more definite.

England are still a man short as Capello declined to pick a direct replacement for Heskey.

The Italian missed a trick by failing to call up Bobby Zamora. A big, strong, ungainly team player with two goals in 28 appearances this season - the Fulham man ticks all the boxes.

ED would rather see Zamora, knowing he cannot score but will contribute to the team, than the spectacularly wayward Bent.

- - -

You know those popular survival tips that supposedly help you in the event that a wild animal attacks you?

Things like; if a bear approaches you, sing to it; confuse a shark by punching it on the nose; as a crocodile prepares to bite you, wedge a piece of wood between its jaws.

Well, Early Doors has a new one. If Joey Barton attacks, play him a Frank Sinatra song.

Yes indeed, it appears the work of Ol' Blue Eyes is the only thing that can snap the Newcastle man out of his wild-eyed rage.

"It helps me relax. His music is so calming," said Barton, adding that the songs "get me in a good rhythm before stepping on to the pitch."

Although it is hard to be sure, as Barton has only made eight appearances for Newcastle this season.

Considering Barton's attacks on team-mate Ousmane Dabo and a teenager Jordan Spencer, Ol' Black Eyes might be a more appropriate nickname.

Source: Eurosport