Getting Shirty

It is on days like this that newspaper editors earn their money, with not a shred of meaningful domestic news to report.

They must know their readers, and strive to cater to their unspoken desires. And when that fails, just stick in a few quotes from an England press conference.

Despite this cavalcade of guff, not one of the papers sees fit to give the fatal stadium crush in Ivory Coast any more than a passing nod.

The West African nation is deemed too distant, even though most of their top players are based in this country.

ED understands that readers may not want to read about a disaster several thousand miles away, but it is undeniably news - and it is not like anyone really cares what Lampard thinks about his polo shirt either.

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Artur Boruc's Paul Robinson impression against Northern Ireland has seen him dropped from the Poland team, meaning it will be Lukasz Fabianski or Dundee United's Lukaz Zaluska leaning casually against his post for 90 minutes when San Marino visit on Wednesday.

Polish legend and Cloughie-endorsed 'clown' Jan Tomaszewski showed little sympathy for Celtic keeper Boruc, appearing to suggest that God is, in fact, a protestant.

Tomaszewski said: "Artur has no-one to blame but himself. You could say he has had a punishment from God. He started a religious war in Glasgow and now it's come back to haunt him."

Luckily, Poland are well-endowed in the goalkeeper department, providing players to sit on some of the most illustrious benches in world football.

Fabianski is Arsenal's back-up, while Tomasz Kuszczak and Jerzy Dudek perform a similar role for Manchester United and Real Madrid. Clearly, these Poles must have very warm buttocks.

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Hull have submitted their evidence in the Cesc Fabregas 'spitting' row, presumably swabbing Brian Horton's shoes and sending the result off for DNA testing.

Clearly, the accusation will be thrown out on the grounds that it cannot be proven and Hull will respond with a predictable show of overblown dismay, having a good old whinge that it wouldn't be like this if the roles were reversed.

The claim that big clubs have it all their own way is increasingly common, and just as increasingly tiresome.

Yes, it is true that Jamie Carragher would have to murder an opposition striker in cold blood before any referee even considered awarding a penalty in front of the Kop, but this is not exactly a new phenomenon.

Hull just look a bit silly chasing this lost cause instead of concentrating on the fight against relegation.

Source: Eurosport

Ivory Coact vs Malawi

Ecuador vs Brazil

Who's the Daddy?

The world got that little bit more terrifying at the weekend as news broke that Wayne Rooney is going to be a dad.

Wife Coleen is already three months pregnant even though the pair apparently only started trying for a baby at Christmas.

That means Wayne must have hit the back of the net, if you will, within a week. Impressive stuff for a man sometimes accused of shooting blanks on the pitch.

Several papers attempt to draw a parallel between Coleen's expectant state and Wayne's increased maturity on the pitch against Slovakia on Saturday.

It is, obviously, a ridiculous argument. Rooney is described as mature because he managed to get through a meaningless international friendly without kicking anyone or questioning the referee's parentage.

And was Coleen any less pregnant when he went loco on the corner flag at Fulham a week ago?

As anyone familiar with the work of Shannon Matthews or that Max Clifford-backed 13-year-old 'dad' knows, having babies can be a lucrative business.

One agent, who had the gall to warn against excessive commercialisation, has claimed the Rooneys' tot could land them £5 million if they sign up for publicity deals.

These, presumably, will involve the following:

- An ITV2 show in which a team of cameras follow Coleen's every move. Laugh as Wayne lashes out at a cameraman! Cry as Coleen struggles to carry home all those Louis Vuitton bags! Scream as she spends the morning with her head in the toilet!

- Sponsorship deals based on Coleen's cravings. Imagine the marketing opportunities - 'Try peanut butter and asparagus bagels - as devoured by Coleen Rooney!'

- Advertising space on Coleen's expanded belly. What better way to place your product than for the nation to see it smothered in clear jelly as doctors conduct an ultrasound scan?

- OK! magazine purchases legal custody of Coleen's womb.

- Convoluted goal celebrations in which Wayne uses various products for babies. First he recreates the Carlos Tevez 'dummy' celebration, then he pulls on a pair of Pampers, then he places Paul Scholes in a baby booster car seat... you get the idea.

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Rooney's two goals against Slovakia could not have been timed better, as all three of his strike partners went off injured.

Emile Heskey and Carlton Cole are out of Wednesday's game against Ukraine, while Peter Crouch is doubtful. Jermain Defoe and Gabriel Agbonlahor are also injured.

That resulted in the delightful spectacle of Fabio Capello ignoring Michael Owen and calling up Darren Bent instead.

The Owen PR machine continues to insist that he is still world-class and, hilariously, "not injury-prone" but Capello's snub could hardly have been more definite.

England are still a man short as Capello declined to pick a direct replacement for Heskey.

The Italian missed a trick by failing to call up Bobby Zamora. A big, strong, ungainly team player with two goals in 28 appearances this season - the Fulham man ticks all the boxes.

ED would rather see Zamora, knowing he cannot score but will contribute to the team, than the spectacularly wayward Bent.

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You know those popular survival tips that supposedly help you in the event that a wild animal attacks you?

Things like; if a bear approaches you, sing to it; confuse a shark by punching it on the nose; as a crocodile prepares to bite you, wedge a piece of wood between its jaws.

Well, Early Doors has a new one. If Joey Barton attacks, play him a Frank Sinatra song.

Yes indeed, it appears the work of Ol' Blue Eyes is the only thing that can snap the Newcastle man out of his wild-eyed rage.

"It helps me relax. His music is so calming," said Barton, adding that the songs "get me in a good rhythm before stepping on to the pitch."

Although it is hard to be sure, as Barton has only made eight appearances for Newcastle this season.

Considering Barton's attacks on team-mate Ousmane Dabo and a teenager Jordan Spencer, Ol' Black Eyes might be a more appropriate nickname.

Source: Eurosport

Argentina vs Venezuela

Germany vs Liechtenstein

Montenegro vs Italy

Holland vs Scotland

Lithuania vs France

Spain vs Turkey

Newcastle United vs. Arsenal

Tottenham Hotspurs vs. Chelsea

Liverpool vs Aston Villa

Fulham vs Manchester United

Welcome

Well, this blog was opened just to experince what all the fun of blogging is about. It will mainly feature highlights from the English Premier League (the best in the world) and a couple of significant matches from other leagues; i.e. El Classico (Barcelona vs. Real Madrid), Inter vs. Ac Milan, etc. I will also be posting articles from the eurosport website called 'Early Doors'. I am making this clear so that am not accused of plagiarism. These articles are fun and sometimes funny. They are featured every weekday. Hope we all enjoy this.

Your soon to be favourite blogger!